Me versus the Mayonnaise Jar

The Mexican stand-off – a rotund opponent with a blue lid lies in wait on the counter, guns drawn, and a sneer on his transparent face. I pace the floor, flexing my fingers, prepping for the fight. The old lady rubs my shoulders, like a trainer sending his boxer to the ring. We’d met before, he and I, just like this; him, standing stoutly on the counter, daring me to knock his hat from his smug face; me, limbering up in preparation for the challenge. The silver taps on the sink stood at attention, ready to offer their steaming liquid for assistance. I took a deep breath and marched forward, grabbing him by the neck and twisting with all my might…it was a magnificent battle. All the appliances gathered around; the old lady appeared by my side in a black and white striped shirt with a whistle around her neck, ready to make the call. My fingers cried out, wanting to give up, but I refused to cave. The blue lid mocked my weakness, sure of its victory; the old lady began to blow her whistle and wave her hands in the air, but this brute was not going to best me…

“Honey, can you help me with this?”

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  1. Alison on August 15, 2012 at 3:29 am

    When I face that opponent I hit him on the head on the counter and grab a rubbery cloth I call my rubber husband and rip his head off. Must have my pickled beets! My honey isn’t always home to open jars for me.
    Stay well! 🙂

    • J.G. Chayko on August 15, 2012 at 6:51 pm

      I’ll be on the hunt for one of those rubber husbands 🙂

  2. Lauren on August 21, 2012 at 9:30 pm

    This gave me a great laugh! Most of my fights end the same way! Fantastic writing, absolutely love it.

  3. Irma on August 23, 2012 at 2:24 pm

    I think I have one of those rubber husbands, he’s always there. I loved this one-on-one face-off. What I do is lay the culprit on its side and tap all around the edge of the lid with the blunt end of butter knife before twisting it off. Knocks his hat off every time.

  4. Leslie on August 26, 2012 at 7:24 am

    I don’t have a honey – I bought a jar opener – the best I could find and even then sometimes I fail and have to wait until my daughter comes around…dang.

    • J.G. Chayko on August 26, 2012 at 10:15 am

      I think I had a jar opener once but, just like you, it didn’t do much for me…cheers to daughters’ helping out.

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J.G. Chayko is a writer, actress, and international arthritis advocate who’s been involved in theatre for more than 30 years and has published poetry, fiction, and creative non-fiction.